Am trapped inside a MAZE

By
In this life, things happen to us, our loved ones and yes, our enemies too but as human beings we can bare seldom put rhyme into reason as to why they happen in our lives, at the time they happen and for the length of time they stay on or with us. Normally after going through an ordeal in this or in a different order, as mere mortals we are so drained that we hardly ever draw lessons. It is a nightmare just standing in my shoes at such times but of course i do not show this to people who look up to me, just as the career path which i chose which enables me to reach out to someone and tell them that despite what they are going through, everything is going to be alright, at my darkest hour - many as they are though never shown - i also need someone to walk up to me and just whisper those few words; its going to be alright. None ever does though.

For now am retracing my steps to see where i fell off...am a human being - yes i fell off a couple of times and jumped back onto the straight and narrow. My retrace brought up nothing however. Why did i do this you may ask? Lately my past has been playing catch up to me. Before you judge; remember the bearer of the load does not have to be a professional on weights but can give a fairly accurate estimation of the weight. I have so much on my shoulders; trust me when i tell you I am going down. While at it, please trust the Mother whose son or daughter just joined or was supposed to graduate from Garissa University but never got to join or graduate. Please empathize with the comedian who lost his father...though he laughs it off in public, he is shattered in privately. Believe that newly wedded couple who death has separated before had no idea of what the embrace of marital bliss feels like and don't forget the first born son or daughter who is the light of his family as a child parent.

Most people laugh even though they should have to cry. With a lot of effort and support, they will bounce back to who they used to be. As for me, i have turned to a shell of what i used to be. I am my own slave as well as yours, am in jail in my own mind and seemingly within the confines of my own psyche. I bought land, building materials, hired a contractor and....built my prison and now i can't leave. I can’t remotely envision your plans for me...but am a mere mortal driven by my conviction, faith and what i can see. While i trust in you, i have not heard from you like the preachers say they hear from you every morning. I have moved places so I can hear your voice…and moved more places still. After all the moving, I have fallen to seclusion, i can't sleep, am filled with thought, worry and despair. Well, to be clear let me take you back to when it all begun....

Somewhere i heard that life is a test, so i sat with the best so as to suck in as much as I can and then, dealt with the test that was cast my way and I have been doing so till now. Now I plead for relief from my stress. I am tired. I am tired of walking during the day in plain sight and not seeing anything and failing to get answers to questions that I myself designed. I continually am worried. I consistently am going down and falling apart like a house of cards. I am not complaining and maybe I am, but i feel like my prayers have not been loud, consistent or focused enough. I may have done something against what you envisioned, maybe I have been selfish...i may have been blind to your readings and deaf to your teachings and maybe.... Just maybe.

Upon crucifixion alongside two thugs and just before taking in his last breath, one of the thugs told Jesus...please remember me in Paradise. That was it....those are the few words that saw the thug make it to paradise. Sub consciously and consciously for years, i have given a part of me to the people i work with and for - direct cash, my time, clothing, thoughts and even welcomed some to my family just to share what i have been blessed with...i have been proud just to see people smile. In a way, i have been an answered prayer to many. The shoes are on the flip side now.

To all those of us whose life is a black hole and a daily struggle from dark to dawn.

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

Youth Get Empowered - Economically!

By
Nawangisa parish situated in Kibaale Sub County is one of the localities under the “creating spaces for ACTIVISTA ” programme area by ActionAid, Busiki LRP.  Similar to other Parishes, the Youth constitute the majority of the community moreover; most of them depend on menial and unsustainable ventures for income whilst those privileged enough to use their small farm acreages for livelihood, use rudimentary tools on individual basis and an even greater number does not engage in any practices for development. In Nov. 2013, I convened a  one-day Activista training forum under the Activista platform at Kibaale Sub County to empower the Youth on result-based documentation, planning, efficacy in resource use and sustaining incomes attended to by Activistas themselves. The training was anchored on first component of the HRBA methodology that details empowerment. Succinctly, the focus on; galvanizing for individual and collective action, identifying and nurturing their capacities on ...
Read More »

Is Kenya steadily playing catch up to Al Shabaab?

By
It’s been “a minute” since the West Gate siege and silly me; I thought that as a government, citizenry and republic at some point in between the “heavy gun fire exchange” with “a lot” of terrorist at the then prestigious and soon again about to be…West Gate mall, some of us if not all…whipped out our notebooks and pens, wrote on our palms, unleashed our array of gadgets and took notes. Well, we did not. Rather, we contributed money…wept and shoved the entire disaster to the back and for a few days sustained the buzz on social media while waxing lyrical at TVs & radio interviews and church sessions and at our estate dingy & posh drinking dens and gossip hair-do palours re-told the entire siege blow by blow (notwithstanding the fact that we were not even in the vicinity of the upmarket Westlands area) swearing how others made mistakes and how we could do it better….if only. First forward, as a citizen I lost young country men and women who were gearing up to do great and rev...
Read More »

Why it is important to define Tax justice as a human rights issue

By
On the 10th December 2018, Uganda celebrated the 70th anniversary of the universal declaration of human rights, a commitment that gave birth to the human rights movement. Uganda is a signatory to the International Covenant on Economic, Social and Cultural rights (ICESR), the International Covenant on Political and Civil rights and the International covenant on the Rights of a child, the African charter on human and people’s rights, African Charter on the rights and welfare of the child, among others and has a bill of rights in its constitution to guarantee these rights. Almost all these treaties and constitution impose an obligation on the state to ‘undertake measures’ for the implementation of these rights, Al Since 1948, a lot of progress has been made on many a fronts (like creation of Human Rights Bodies(Human Rights Commission, Equal opportunities Commission, etc), Courts, watch dogs, etc) when it comes to attainment and enjoyment of these human rights. However, a...
Read More »

... My Conscious is clear!

By
What has been said of me is true. I offer no arguments nor dispute to the simple facts, but they hardly begin to cover the scope of my true crimes. Honor requires more than admition, so I offer a full confession and the whole truth. For far too long I have failed to recognize my own hypocrisy, I ignored my own cowardice conveniently hiding behind a position of political compromise, and for what? To retain the meager wealth and rank than men desire. So I come before you a condemned man for having finally stood up to injustice. My shame and regret is that I failed to do so before it arrived in my own court. We supply the armies, we build the roads, and we employ the nation. Still we remain silent while our coffers are emptied and our freedoms eroded. There will be times where we are powerless to injustice but there must never be a time where we fail to protest. This being, known as individualism is a cancer growing and the only proper thing to do is to cut it out. You all know what I...
Read More »

What is Capacity Building?

By
Capacity building is perhaps one of the most fashionable, yet least understood term in the non‐profit sector. There is a lack of shared definition and understanding around its features and essential elements. Funders tend to talk about capacity building programs, while capacity builders might refer to capacity building engagements, yet organizations may refer to it as a set of activities or processes that accomplish a specific goal.  In essence, this is the process by which individuals, groups, organizations, and communities increase their abilities to:  Perform core functions, solve problems, define and achieve objectives; and  Understand and deal with their development needs in a broad context and in a sustainable manner.” Organizational capacity building seeks to strengthen the ability of an organization or agency to achieve a desired outcome. Capacity building in this area can be defined as: “Supporting organizations to build and maintain the skills, infrast...
Read More »