Am trapped inside a MAZE

In this life, things happen to us, our loved ones and yes, our enemies too but as human beings we can bare seldom put rhyme into reason as to why they happen in our lives, at the time they happen and for the length of time they stay on or with us. Normally after going through an ordeal in this or in a different order, as mere mortals we are so drained that we hardly ever draw lessons. It is a nightmare just standing in my shoes at such times but of course i do not show this to people who look up to me, just as the career path which i chose which enables me to reach out to someone and tell them that despite what they are going through, everything is going to be alright, at my darkest hour - many as they are though never shown - i also need someone to walk up to me and just whisper those few words; its going to be alright. None ever does though.

For now am retracing my steps to see where i fell off...am a human being - yes i fell off a couple of times and jumped back onto the straight and narrow. My retrace brought up nothing however. Why did i do this you may ask? Lately my past has been playing catch up to me. Before you judge; remember the bearer of the load does not have to be a professional on weights but can give a fairly accurate estimation of the weight. I have so much on my shoulders; trust me when i tell you I am going down. While at it, please trust the Mother whose son or daughter just joined or was supposed to graduate from Garissa University but never got to join or graduate. Please empathize with the comedian who lost his father...though he laughs it off in public, he is shattered in privately. Believe that newly wedded couple who death has separated before had no idea of what the embrace of marital bliss feels like and don't forget the first born son or daughter who is the light of his family as a child parent.

Most people laugh even though they should have to cry. With a lot of effort and support, they will bounce back to who they used to be. As for me, i have turned to a shell of what i used to be. I am my own slave as well as yours, am in jail in my own mind and seemingly within the confines of my own psyche. I bought land, building materials, hired a contractor and....built my prison and now i can't leave. I can’t remotely envision your plans for me...but am a mere mortal driven by my conviction, faith and what i can see. While i trust in you, i have not heard from you like the preachers say they hear from you every morning. I have moved places so I can hear your voice…and moved more places still. After all the moving, I have fallen to seclusion, i can't sleep, am filled with thought, worry and despair. Well, to be clear let me take you back to when it all begun....

Somewhere i heard that life is a test, so i sat with the best so as to suck in as much as I can and then, dealt with the test that was cast my way and I have been doing so till now. Now I plead for relief from my stress. I am tired. I am tired of walking during the day in plain sight and not seeing anything and failing to get answers to questions that I myself designed. I continually am worried. I consistently am going down and falling apart like a house of cards. I am not complaining and maybe I am, but i feel like my prayers have not been loud, consistent or focused enough. I may have done something against what you envisioned, maybe I have been selfish...i may have been blind to your readings and deaf to your teachings and maybe.... Just maybe.

Upon crucifixion alongside two thugs and just before taking in his last breath, one of the thugs told Jesus...please remember me in Paradise. That was it....those are the few words that saw the thug make it to paradise. Sub consciously and consciously for years, i have given a part of me to the people i work with and for - direct cash, my time, clothing, thoughts and even welcomed some to my family just to share what i have been blessed with...i have been proud just to see people smile. In a way, i have been an answered prayer to many. The shoes are on the flip side now.

To all those of us whose life is a black hole and a daily struggle from dark to dawn.